Delighting in your Child is Critical to their Mental Health
Enter Special Time!
Dear Parents,
I love this quote from Hand in Hand Parenting. There are many ways to show delight but today I want to highlight a Hand in Hand tool called Special Time. Special Time (ST) is when a parent or other adult spends a certain amount of time following a child's lead and delighting in them.
I heard an NPR story recently on special time and appreciated the idea getting major media attention. It was a bit different than Hand in Hand ST but still mostly good. Some commented on the story with cynicism such as 'it's called playing with your kid' or 'if you have to have instructions for how to play with your kid, humanity is in big trouble'. These comments let me know that some listeners don't understand special time.
Special time is not the same as one-on-one time with your child. Most parents have one-on-one time with their child which is what these NPR listeners must have been confused about. Special Time is set apart. It is different. It is meaningful and impactful. I have had parents tell me they are stunned at the changes they see in their child after implementing special time through their week.
Here’s how it works:
The child chooses the activity and even if we hate the activity, we do not show it at all. We jump right in. In fact that is where a lot of the power of this tool comes in. We delight in having the time with them on this activity. That, in and of itself, sends the child a message about how much we love them. They feel it. Which is completely different from knowing it on an intellectual level. Plus, kids are taking directions from adults so much of the time. Letting them choose without considering your opinion is powerful.
We have a set amount of time (5-30 min) because this is a 100% focus of delighting in your child and it cannot go on forever. This timer also gives your child assurance that they have you - no one else does. You do not make tea, you do not have your phone nearby, you do not answer the doorbell, you do not fold laundry or check on something on the stove. You do not run through your to do list in your head. 100% focus and 100% delight. It is a practice and I suggest starting with a smaller amount of time before trying for longer.
There are zero teaching moments in special time. If your child is writing as part of special time and their letters are backwards, you delight in them and never correct them in that time. And afterwards, we don't say 'you know you just did you b backwards, let me show you how'. Save it for a completely different time or better yet, trust that they will figure it out because they are exposed to books and writing all the time. *If a child is truly struggling with reading and writing at an age where they shouldn't be, get support in that area but not during ST.*
Delight! Shine your light on them! Think of them basking in the glow of your love. Children thrive when they are receiving special time each week. As the meme above says, it supports their mental health which we all read and hear all the time is in sharp decline. This is an actionable, tangible support to their wellbeing.
And contrary to the NPR story which said this is for 2-7 year olds - nope this is for EVERY age. I love special time with my teen. He chooses what to do, and I delight in him while giving him my full attention. I love special time with my 9 year old and with my 12 year old. No need to put an age limit on this at all. All children, of every age, need and deserve to feel 100% of our delighted attention.
Kids can break normal house rules with Special Time. Let them know this. Example: If you normally don’t allow jumping on the couch, reach for a YES when your child asks for this for ST. Jump with them and delight! An example from my house is skateboarding in the house. Yes, you can skateboard in the house for these 10 minutes of ST! You can say no if it is dangerous or could damage something. I would not say yes if skateboarding was leaving marks and dents in my floors but it is not and my kids love this. And kids are smart. They know when you say this is okay for ST that it is not something they can do just anytime. Again, this shows how much you delight in them, how unconditional your love is and how much you want to be with them.
Parents have told me that they notice that their child is more cooperative and flexible when they are receiving special time regularly. The child’s sense of emotional safety goes way up and so they become more willing to show you the hard stuff (which I promise is a good thing - and also critical to their mental health). It can help with sibling rivalry - because they aren’t sharing you or fighting for your attention. They have more trust that you are making this time happen for them.
Give it a try and see what you notice in your child! Hit reply and let me know how it goes or if you have questions. I’d love to hear from you. You can also like and comment on this post.
I am offering one-on-one consults - we all deserve support for the hard and consequential work of parenting so reach out to setup a time.
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In delight & connection,
Kate
