Put the Relationship First
Taped to the middle of my refrigerator door you will find a tattered piece of paper that says "Put the Relationship First".
This is a phrase that I came across several years ago in Alfie Kohn's book UnconditionalParenting. When I came across this phrase and his explanation, it was a mothering watershed moment. It is now a foundational part of my parenting life.
Putting the relationship first reminds me of my priorities in the day-to-day hustle of parenting.
What is more important? Winning a power struggle with my strong willed son (to win it could take bribery raised voices, shaming - you get the picture) or the feeling at the end of the day that my connection with him is stronger than it was at the beginning of the day? The strong connection wins every time and this saying reminds me of that and keeps me on track.
Because when I have a strong connection, things happen. I can have the difficult conversations that have to take place between parent and child (because my child is willing to go "there" with me). I can help settle sibling disputes and each child feels that they have been heard and cared for. I can pick my battles much more easily. All I have to do is ask myself: Is this battle or my relationship more important? Note: This does not mean I am parenting permissively - letting my children 'get away' with things. It's a shift in our dynamic, a way of being with them and responding to them so they can sense that its our relationship that matters most to me.
On my better parenting days I try to remember that my relationship or connection with my children is what is most important. Demanding things of them that matter very little in the big picture (taking the long view), raising my voice or shutting down my empathy all lead to ruptures in my relationships with my three children. Ruptures happen, we are human after all, but we can minimize them by focusing on connection.
I often challenge traditional parenting tactics by considering how I like to be treated. I can't recall the last time another adult yelled at me or got in my face and demanded I do things a certain way. I would not respond well at all to those tactics if someone did - a boss or a friend for instance. Certainly my spouse never does that. I would not want to do well in the face of such treatment - I would want to flee, to get away from that person, to change jobs, to avoid that relationship. Can you imagine another adult treating you in these ways? Unfortunately, parenting stress can cloud our better judgement and our brains get hijacked and we resort to these tactics with our children even though we would never treat another adult this way. This isn't a blame and shame game, we have all fallen back on these tactics, it's a process to work our way out of these old ways that are ingrained in our brains and our culture. It's been a long process for me (but the most valuable and important process I have ever put myself through - and it's ongoing, it always will be).
Our children are the same way - they don't want to be treated this way. And what's worse for them is that they are smaller too so these tactics are intimidating and scary. They can't (when they are young at least) physically separate themselves from us other than going to a different room. They have very little control over the physical distance that they can take from us, so what we get instead is emotional distance - they start to distrust, fear and resent us. They stop sharing their deeper stories with us. They don't want to go along with us in all the things we ask of them every single day. Or if they do, it's out of fear and that's no way to live. They don't want to seek our advice or input because the trust is gone or damaged. So I try to put the relationship first and realize that above all else, I want my children to trust me, to come to me with their hurts, their triumphs, their jokes, their dreams, their questions. So what exactly does this look like on a daily basis for me?
It's being late to school so that my son can tell me what he's worried about before he's away for the next 7 hours. I'd rather him be late and feel heard, than on time and pushing down all those big feelings. He is much more likely to have a decent day at school if his connection with me was strong at drop-off.
It's saying yes to longer snuggles and back rubs when a child asks for it at bedtime. It's easy for me to stick to my standard bedtime routine and then want to move on to doing all that I need to do after the kids are in bed, but I try to remind myself of how precious this time is and how much the physical closeness means to them and me (especially as boys get older - don't let them convince you that they don't need touch, it's essential).
Instead of running errands and trying to get 'more done', it's lighting candles and listening to a story after school because my children seem tired and stretched.
It's intentionally leaving the TV and radio news off, having phones put away and instead spending quality time with the kids.
It's trying to get plenty of sleep so that I can have the energy I need to parent well.
It's not correcting my children or finding a 'teaching moment' when they are passionately reading, writing, doing art, telling a story or telling a joke. But instead giving them my full attention.
It is noticing a trend in one of my children's behaviors and instead of calling them out on it in the moment, I find that quiet time, with just the two of us and I bring it up. 'Hey love, I notice that you are feeling really frustrated at dinner most nights. How can I help?' Interrupting the dinner to demand that my frustrated child sit properly in his chair and eat all of his dinner is not going to help him or his relationship with me. And it could be embarrassing for him in front of others. He may not know why he is acting out at dinner. That's okay. That's where emotional detective work comes into play. What matters here is that I notice he is struggling and then make one-on-one time a priority so that we can have a conversation instead of an on the spot demand.
It was deciding back when my 7 year old attended a school that was very heavy on homework that we weren't going to participate. I completely disagree with homework for elementary children (the research is clear that it is not helpful or necessary). So I practiced putting the relationship first by deciding early on in the year not to participate in homework and instead allowing my child, in his precious after-school free time to play or have time with me or my husband. Demanding that young children sit longer after being in school all day and doing homework usually achieves nothing other than damage to the parent/child relationship and a dislike of school. P.S. - we are no longer at that school. And I did let the head of school and teacher know that it was my decision (not my child's) not to participate in homework. Luckily my son was young enough to not realize all of the homework that was being sent home because most of it was assigned in an online forum for parents. So he had no fear of being in trouble or getting behind. He was allowed to free play after school instead and have quality time with his family.
It is my husband and I deciding that when a child tantrums, we will stay with them instead of isolating the child (this is called Staylistening in Hand in Hand parenting). When a child is having big emotions, it is scary for them. That is when they need us the most and after staying with a child through their big feelings, the connection is definitely deepened.
It's doing whatever I need to do in a moment to not raise my voice or have an ugly tone with my children - for me that is literally biting my tongue and taking some breaths, slowly (not abruptly) walking away for a few moments or lying down for a moment even on the kitchen floor if necessary (it's hard to yell from a lying down position).
Now don't read this list and think that I just constantly bend over backwards for my kids. I don't, I mean, I really actually can't bend over backwards for them. There are 6 people (my mom lives with us) in our house after all and so there is a constant give and take going on around here. And I try to recognize that. My 7 & 9 year old boys put up with a lot from their 4 year old sister at times and vice versa. My husband and I both work as entrepreneurs and this demands a lot of us. We don't have time to hear out every grievance. A whole lot has to take place in our house every single day in order for the laundry to be done, food to be bought and cooked, the house to be kept in reasonable order and everyone to get where they need and want to go. And that just barely scratches the surface. Maybe it's because of all of this, that I had to have absolute clarity on the # 1 priority. Put the relationship first. That's it. Simple and yet something that I will always be working on, every single day. It matters more than all the rest. Because at the end of the day and at the end of these years of actively parenting, I want to exhale and feel deeply down into my bones that I put the relationship first.
What can you do today to put the relationship first with your children? What questions do you have about doing this on a day-to-day basis? I’m here. Comment below.