What Do I Do with My Moody Grumbling Child?!
The other night, I was home with my 3 children. It was after school, after some play time outside, after dinner. I held a very small limit, one that would usually not elicit much of a response or pushback. I'll set the scene: All 3 children were on the couch and I was asking them to allow more space for each other as I was starting to see some pushing, leaning, spreading out by one child that was not going well for the other two.
Two of my children got up and moved on easily. One remained. And he was grumbly. You know what I mean? I felt it brewing earlier. Nothing was going to be right for him. Nothing would please him. It used to be I would 'dance' around this mood often exhausting myself, trying to make things right, trying to get him moving in the right direction. Trying to avoid things that may bring more upset. Trying to talk him through it, with an agenda of getting him to cheer up and switch mental gears. And when that inevitably didn't work, I would swing to the other end of the spectrum and get annoyed and impatient.
****
When a child is feeling like this, we have a couple of options. We can try to convince him that life is good, tomorrow will be better, his grievances aren't accurate. You know, because he might be saying something like "I never get to do anything fun at all!" When you know that just an hour ago he was having a blast playing basketball with friends. We can tell him he needs to be more grateful. To focus on the positive. And on and on. Of course from our perspective, this is a worthy way to approach a disgruntled child. We are trying to be peaceful and patient. To teach him an important life lesson about an attitude of gratitude. And we tend to do this, or at least I did, until I was grumbly too. Because unfortunately, as we know deep down, this just doesn't work. We just keep hoping it will. This path is basically saying to your child: 'Sure I hear your words but the meaning behind them doesn't make sense to me. You are complaining and you need to cheer up. Change your attitude. Get it together.' It is taking a stance against him. Basically we are telling our child that how he is feeling needs to go away and fast.
****
To bring this point home, I often like to think about how adults would like to be treated. How often does it work for you when you are upset and someone either tells you to cheer up, changes the subject, ignores you or tells you that what is upsetting you isn't that big of a deal.
Right...
Doesn't feel very good at all. It feels terrible really. It creates disconnection. Frustration. Anger even. It can make you feel isolated, like you can't share what is going on in any real way. You start to very quickly figure out who is there for you and who isn't. You start to hold parts of yourself back from certain people.
Now imagine your child feeling this way. That's what gets to my heart. I would never want him to feel like he can't share what is hard. That only certain parts of him are okay with me. I want a wholehearted connection which means no walls or conditions on my love.
****
Here's another approach: Practice listening. And not just passive listening as you do the dishes and your child sits at the table. Stop what you are doing. Yes, it can be inconvenient. But stick with me here. Try to be physically close. Offer eye contact (he may not look at you much but if he does look up, try to be there). Allow him to complain, to expel the bad feelings. Let him have 'freedom of the mouth' as we call it in Hand-in-Hand parenting. You are their person. If he can't say it to you, who in the world will listen?
And just to be clear, this is for your teenager, your adult child, your toddler. There is no specific age range of person for listening and sharing. We all need this.
****
Now when we compare these two approaches, we can see that these grumblings are actually a very important moment in our relationship with our child. He is sharing! He is giving us the real deal of what his internal dialogue is like. He is being vulnerable. He is open to you. He is giving you the only sneak peak anyone will get. It's your chance. In our moments of clear thinking, isn't this what we all actually want? For our children to come to us? So now we can try to view these moments as precious. Your child is coming to you. Whenever possible, we don't want to let too many of these moments pass us by.
****
I did this the other night with my grumbly child who could not be pleased. He moaned and groaned about a list of things, made a big deal about issues that could have seemed small to me but were really important to him in that moment. After about 15 minutes, yes 15 full minutes of this, of me listening closely with love and openness, he started joking around! Still following his lead, we started laughing, hard. We roughhoused on the couch where he had just been complaining. Another child of mine, who was being very patient, got involved. The three of us started laughing, speaking in funny voices, being light-hearted and playful. The whole tone of the room changed. He had changed.
It was such a gift. To him. To me. To our relationship. To my other children who witnessed it and participated. I listened. He felt it deeply. He shared what was hard in his life. He got the bad feelings out of the way. With his feelings expressed and worked through, with one of his main people, he then truly felt lighter, happier. His attitude transformed. This is really the opposite in a way of 'think positive'. This is: feel it, express it, share it,then positive feelings and thinking emerges naturally. Because that is who we are when the weight of heavier emotions are cleared out in partnership with our loving listener.
****
It takes practice. For some of us, this is extremely hard. It was for me. Sometimes, it still is hard. Take it slow.
Your child will feel and notice every little effort made. You will start to see positive changes and that will propel you both forward.
Questions? I am here. Comment below.