Who Do You Confide In?

And how do you know you can?

Is there someone in your life who you feel like you can tell anything? Someone you can share a fear, an embarrassment, a bad habit, a place your mind and heart goes that doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense? What is it about that person that makes you feel like you can do that? Can it be named?

And who in your life is someone you’d think you *should* be able to share anything with but can't or don't. Why not?

I ask this because it is the same for children. They *know* who they can share things with and who they can't or wouldn't want to. They know this keenly.

A few years ago I came across a ‘parenting expert’, whose name I can’t recall and she was getting a lot of attention for something she called the botox brow. Stay with me.

So according to this person the botox brow is what you do when you child does something or tells you something and you want to show them that you are a safe receptacle for receiving it. Basically, you are holding a steady facial expression and not overly reacting. I can see why this got attention. Parents want to know what is going on with their kids and if they get a glimpse of it, they don’t want to ruin it by having bulging eyes, a gaping mouth and furrowed brow. And sure this is a start. But there is so much more below the surface of the botox brow that kids and others are sensing when they decide whether to be emotionally close.

As I asked in the beginning, can it be named? That thing that makes you feel that you can tell your parent or another human that you are scared, that you have a crush and the person doesn’t like you, that you are being picked on, that you don’t like something that is a family hobby, that your heart aches and you don’t know why, that you feel angry and you don’t know why.

I believe that this cannot be named but felt. And I think this felt sense can grow. It happens usually over many many encounters where you don’t feel judged, where there aren’t immediate solutions offered, where you are taken seriously, where there is softness and an understanding. When we jump to fixing or jump to lectures or jump to punishments or shaming or just give off a sense of judgement or disappointment, then we chip away at that felt sense of safety.

When another person comes to us and we listen, not just to get to our turn to talk, but just to listen; when our body shows a softness towards the other; when we wait, longer than you’d think, to offer anything other than our presence; when we finally reach and say - I hear you and I am taking this in and I appreciate hearing what you are thinking about - and that’s it, then we start to build that felt sense of safety.

I think we all have people in our lives who we would never in a million years share something private or important with. And these are usually people that ideally we wish we could share with but we have felt the message loud and clear that it is not safe. And contrary to what I see in popular culture - you can’t just say “you can tell me anything”. They get to decide that, not us.

If every kid has just one person that they can turn to, who is working towards growing that felt sense of safety, then they are in good hands. Because what do we want when our kid is hurting, confused, needing someone - do we want them to come looking for us or moving away from us?

Some other thoughts that point to whether you are safe person to share hard to share things with:

• Do you speak negatively about others when they are not around?

• Do you share information about someone that is not yours to share?

• Do you come off as critical of people not like you?

• Do you judge and look down at people?

One of the first things I think of when someone is talking about someone else is that they are not a safe person. There is of course sharing information in order to move a situation forward - for instance, we need to discuss my mother-in-law’s health as decisions are being made about her wellbeing. That is clearly speaking about her as a way to take really good care of her. We can tell when it is not like that and it is a glaring signal.

I find this idea inspiring and I hope you do too - this is meant to show us what is possible. Even for those of us who do have relationships that have a felt sense of safety, it is always a work in progress because we are always being confronted with all sorts of stories and ideas and situations that give us opportunities to respond in one way or another. And when we get tripped up by something our kid is going through, hopefully we can turn to someone who is our safe person and share deeply and work it out so can in turn hold that space for our child.

So let’s get beyond the botox brow and see if we can soften and relax our body and listen and emotionally reach for our children and each other in ways that show one another, I am here and I am safe.

Love, Kate