All over the United States (and other areas of the world), parents and kids are grappling with the reality that school this Fall is going to be anything but normal. Rightfully so, we all have a lot of feelings about this. It’s a really big deal.
What we learn from Hand in Hand Parenting again and again is that big emotions load us down and then impact our thinking and our behavior (true for kids and parents). And this all during a time when we are parenting round the clock and need to have access to good clear thinking and want to lead our families by modeling the responses and attributes we want to see.
We don’t want to pass our anxieties onto our kids. We don’t want to fume with frustration and anger while we are parenting. So what’s a parent to do?
One vital tool, that has been transformative for me and many I know, is Listening Partnerships. I will get into this tool in the coming weeks. In a nutshell, it is a time for you to talk with an open-minded, open-hearted adult while they deeply listen to you and receive all that you are pouring out. When you can safely and regularly release your heavy emotional load with a listener, it allows you to get back to parenting well and without as much struggle.
But for now, let’s do this. Use this comment section as a listening partnership. We can “listen” to one another here (eventually, I want to setup these partnerships among those interested and offer listening time to subscribers). Share in the comments below what it means for you and your family that school is not going back to normal this year. How do you feel about this? What problems are you having to figure out to make this work?
This is not a political site. And while unfortunately politics has gotten wrapped up into this pandemic, I want this area of the web to be just for parents to share what is hard, to learn and practice new ideas and tools, to receive support, to feel part of a community, to leave here inspired and ready for what is next.
So I don’t want political statements, just personal statements about the dynamics of your family, how you are doing, what work arrangements you have to figure out, what schooling concerns you have, what feelings do you need to shed? We will not be providing advice, we will listen (read) and let you know we hear you (click the heart on someone’s comment, or write a reply to them). We will empathize and hold space for these big feelings. I will be listening in the comments. Trust that when you can release what is hard, clearer thinking will emerge and allow you to tackle the many parenting issues we are facing during this unique time. And of course, we will continue to offer tips, ideas, tools and inspiration here too! More this week!
*A few more ‘how to’ notes for this new substack site. You can comment on anything that I write by clicking the comment box at either the top or the bottom of the email. You can also save http://wholeheartedfamily.substack.com as a favorite website on your computer. If you go to my site directly, not from an email, you will be asked to login. Your login is your email address and you just create the password of your choosing. Easy peasy. If you ever have any questions about any of this, just reply to me with your questions.
Parents, I am in it with you. My kids will be schooling from home until at least winter break in December. I will share how I am feeling about this in the comments. See you there.
So how am I feeling about the schooling this fall? Lots of feelings. Parents in my community had to make a big decision about 2 options we had and the deadline for that was last night. So the hardest part of the past week has been all the time and energy it has taken to wade through all of the info, try to get accurate answers and then finally make a decision. It was a pretty emotional process. Our school board does not have all the answers we need so parents had to make peace with making a big decision with a bunch of unanswered questions. Now that the decision is made (no in person school for us until the new year at least), I feel a bit relieved to at least *know* what in the world is happening in the next few months. Of course, seeing my 3 kids (rising 1st, 4th and 6th graders) through a few months of schooling at home is a whole other set of feelings. I am definitely feeling a bit anxious off and on. I do this work here which is my passion work but I am also a contract immigration paralegal (that work has dried up during the pandemic) and do have some work here and there to balance with my husband's work and the kids schooling. I am realizing that something coming up for me is that we are not part of a "pod" and I am seeing many that are. I have zero judgment on any of this, but seeing that some families are getting together is bringing up feelings for me. It's a feeling of missing out, of not doing enough for my kids. < that is the age old issue for moms, right? Am I doing enough? Ack! I know of course that I am doing more than enough but mom guilt is a very real thing and I am feeling it as I see lots of families coming together. Those are my feelings in a nutshell.
I feel many of the same things, especially the part about looking at others and sometimes having a feeling of "missing out" or questioning what is going to make this sustainable for us in the long term. We are trying to remember that every family is doing what feels best and healthiest for their family, but there is always going to be a bit of FOMO when you're taking a conservative approach, as we are. My kids are very happy to be staying home, and I'm so thankful for that - one worry, off my mind. They're little and wrapped up in their world with each other and they don't feel that they're missing out on anything beyond going to restaurants. What I do worry about, though, is the fact that virtual schooling (which we've registered to do for the entire school year *deep inhale*) is the fact that I know I'm going to have to be very deliberate about setting boundaries around our time and our activities, to make sure that school happens, and that it happens in the most positive way possible. I am not a natural homeschooler, so I'm going to be relying on our teachers and also digging deep to find a new well of patience for supporting virtual learning (which runs against my general desire for our family to minimize screen time) for a kindergartener and first grader, who do not even want to learn in that way. They want to play creatively all day long, and they're going to have to adapt in order to meet some academic requirements... and I'm going to have to make sure that happens, even when it contradicts much of what I've said about computer time in the past. It's messy! We're expected to have 2.5 hours of live instruction per day, and all of this is going to happen with a very active and involved almost 2-year-old running around and wanting to participate... WHILE my husband also works from home and has lots of important meetings... WHILE I somehow pursue my Master's degree... without the help of any family members because the pandemic has made that feel unsafe, in our particular scenario? Oh my gosh. It's going to be a lot. But I really like to face big challenges head on, with a plan, so here's what I'm hoping to do and perhaps this is helpful to others:
We know that a great mindset for "work", or school or any other task, begins with a great environment for doing that work. So, we're transforming a spare bedroom in our house into the kids' office, complete with desks for each person and their own "special" organizational supplies and everything they need in order to feel prepared and in the zone. I want to make it a bright, happy, encouraging environment and I also want to make it clear that it is an environment that they enter in order to commit to the task of doing their schoolwork, and that they then leave, physically and mentally, to go on and play freely when their obligations are fulfilled. They are learning constantly. They're growing constantly. But there is a difference between the self-guided learning that happens when they're climbing their playset and asking me questions about life and history, and the learning that will happen at their computers because these basics are generally agreed upon as "necessary basics." So, I want to be deliberate about creating that space and teaching them about putting boundaries around their time and their energy, and hopefully finding balance within themselves and their day. It's something we all struggle to achieve, when we work from home - so maybe this is a great opportunity to share that life skill!
My thoughts and love are with all parents as we navigate these rough waters. It is not easy, and it's so helpful to have a forum to share what is heavy and hard, and to also search for the silver linings.
Whew, Cait, I HEAR you. If we could draw a picture with all the 'balls' up in the air, it would be dizzying just looking at it, much less doing it! I also have a picture of you, a leader in your own little marching band, leading the way with fun and so much love. All I know is that we are in it with you and yours and I *know* that the Hand in Hand ideas and tools are life savers. So glad to have you here. Lots of love and big hugs.
Well, my latest feelings were from today. It would be really helpful for me to sort out what has happened in this parenting space.
We just learned which teachers were assigned to which grades, and which academic subjects. My kids are 5th and 3rd. At our school, (charter, K-8) 3rd graders get 2 teachers- one teaches math and social studies, the other, science and Language Arts. My 5th grader already had those two teachers, and so it was a known quantity.
Our school decided to offer hybrid learning to those who wanted it, 2 days a week. So our teachers are doing both in-person learning AND virtual learning; we chose to stay home all 5 days.
Well, one of the 3rd grade teachers decided to retire and her replacement is brand new to the school. I am concerned about how the subjects will be handled by the new teacher. Since the school teaches an accelerated curriculum, new teachers have a learning curve about how to implement it best, and theres also a stated outline of how much they're supposed to cover every grade; there is so much extra going on this year just logistically, I worry about the actual content and delivery of the teaching. She should be getting guidance and supervision. She's supposed to be pursuing some kind of certification for teaching to the specialized needs of our students. I'm afraid what I'm seeing is our school just trying to fill their staffing needs because suddenly there seems to be a lot of last-minute turnover in teachers.
THEN there's my 5th grader, whose year is supposed to be more of a middle school feel and expectation. The kids who are 7th graders this year had a MUCH different experience with Language Arts because they had different teachers (and a group of students with different aptitudes). In 3rd and 4th they did a lot of writing and journals and practice of that nature. My son's class did not have that experience. His teacher seemed to have low expectations of the kids and they've done hardly any writing.
His 5th grade teacher THIS year for Language Arts is the SAME as the one he had last year... and the one they were supposed to have got reassigned to 4th grade, taking the place of THIS teacher.
The 5th grade parents are in an uproar.
Keep in mind, this teacher they're assigned to again: is a newly single mom of three young children. So while she was doing virtual learning last spring she was also managing her own children.
We all are concerned about her and how she's supposed to do this. And we're all concerned that our kids' educational needs are going to be well-attended to. The parents sent a list of concerns to the school director and I'm so torn about the whole thing.
I have my own guilt about us been so spread thin and having no money to offer much of anything for our kids. So much just feels like its slipping through the cracks, while I try to sort out my medical issues and needs, and be a kind parent in a time of tremendous stress.
Thank you for knowing that you can place some of this burden down here. This is a lot to carry and figure out. So many are going into this school year with more questions than answers and this is on top of money and health and logistics and well, just trying to be a good steady present parent to our kids. I would love to offer listening time via Zoom soon - in the next week or so. I know you are familiar with it. The idea is that we can come to clearer solutions, our own solutions when we release/offload some of our fears, hurt, anxiety to another. Through listening time we lessen our feelings of isolation and we can gain clarity and lighten our load when we are listened to by someone who is intentionally there to hold that space open for you. I would love to offer that. For now, hang in there. Rest rest rest, you have a lot to cope with. Your boys are marvelous, your love is evident, they can rest in your love, even when things at school are off kilter. More soon. xoxo
So how am I feeling about the schooling this fall? Lots of feelings. Parents in my community had to make a big decision about 2 options we had and the deadline for that was last night. So the hardest part of the past week has been all the time and energy it has taken to wade through all of the info, try to get accurate answers and then finally make a decision. It was a pretty emotional process. Our school board does not have all the answers we need so parents had to make peace with making a big decision with a bunch of unanswered questions. Now that the decision is made (no in person school for us until the new year at least), I feel a bit relieved to at least *know* what in the world is happening in the next few months. Of course, seeing my 3 kids (rising 1st, 4th and 6th graders) through a few months of schooling at home is a whole other set of feelings. I am definitely feeling a bit anxious off and on. I do this work here which is my passion work but I am also a contract immigration paralegal (that work has dried up during the pandemic) and do have some work here and there to balance with my husband's work and the kids schooling. I am realizing that something coming up for me is that we are not part of a "pod" and I am seeing many that are. I have zero judgment on any of this, but seeing that some families are getting together is bringing up feelings for me. It's a feeling of missing out, of not doing enough for my kids. < that is the age old issue for moms, right? Am I doing enough? Ack! I know of course that I am doing more than enough but mom guilt is a very real thing and I am feeling it as I see lots of families coming together. Those are my feelings in a nutshell.
I feel many of the same things, especially the part about looking at others and sometimes having a feeling of "missing out" or questioning what is going to make this sustainable for us in the long term. We are trying to remember that every family is doing what feels best and healthiest for their family, but there is always going to be a bit of FOMO when you're taking a conservative approach, as we are. My kids are very happy to be staying home, and I'm so thankful for that - one worry, off my mind. They're little and wrapped up in their world with each other and they don't feel that they're missing out on anything beyond going to restaurants. What I do worry about, though, is the fact that virtual schooling (which we've registered to do for the entire school year *deep inhale*) is the fact that I know I'm going to have to be very deliberate about setting boundaries around our time and our activities, to make sure that school happens, and that it happens in the most positive way possible. I am not a natural homeschooler, so I'm going to be relying on our teachers and also digging deep to find a new well of patience for supporting virtual learning (which runs against my general desire for our family to minimize screen time) for a kindergartener and first grader, who do not even want to learn in that way. They want to play creatively all day long, and they're going to have to adapt in order to meet some academic requirements... and I'm going to have to make sure that happens, even when it contradicts much of what I've said about computer time in the past. It's messy! We're expected to have 2.5 hours of live instruction per day, and all of this is going to happen with a very active and involved almost 2-year-old running around and wanting to participate... WHILE my husband also works from home and has lots of important meetings... WHILE I somehow pursue my Master's degree... without the help of any family members because the pandemic has made that feel unsafe, in our particular scenario? Oh my gosh. It's going to be a lot. But I really like to face big challenges head on, with a plan, so here's what I'm hoping to do and perhaps this is helpful to others:
We know that a great mindset for "work", or school or any other task, begins with a great environment for doing that work. So, we're transforming a spare bedroom in our house into the kids' office, complete with desks for each person and their own "special" organizational supplies and everything they need in order to feel prepared and in the zone. I want to make it a bright, happy, encouraging environment and I also want to make it clear that it is an environment that they enter in order to commit to the task of doing their schoolwork, and that they then leave, physically and mentally, to go on and play freely when their obligations are fulfilled. They are learning constantly. They're growing constantly. But there is a difference between the self-guided learning that happens when they're climbing their playset and asking me questions about life and history, and the learning that will happen at their computers because these basics are generally agreed upon as "necessary basics." So, I want to be deliberate about creating that space and teaching them about putting boundaries around their time and their energy, and hopefully finding balance within themselves and their day. It's something we all struggle to achieve, when we work from home - so maybe this is a great opportunity to share that life skill!
My thoughts and love are with all parents as we navigate these rough waters. It is not easy, and it's so helpful to have a forum to share what is heavy and hard, and to also search for the silver linings.
Love to you, Kate!
Whew, Cait, I HEAR you. If we could draw a picture with all the 'balls' up in the air, it would be dizzying just looking at it, much less doing it! I also have a picture of you, a leader in your own little marching band, leading the way with fun and so much love. All I know is that we are in it with you and yours and I *know* that the Hand in Hand ideas and tools are life savers. So glad to have you here. Lots of love and big hugs.
Well, my latest feelings were from today. It would be really helpful for me to sort out what has happened in this parenting space.
We just learned which teachers were assigned to which grades, and which academic subjects. My kids are 5th and 3rd. At our school, (charter, K-8) 3rd graders get 2 teachers- one teaches math and social studies, the other, science and Language Arts. My 5th grader already had those two teachers, and so it was a known quantity.
Our school decided to offer hybrid learning to those who wanted it, 2 days a week. So our teachers are doing both in-person learning AND virtual learning; we chose to stay home all 5 days.
Well, one of the 3rd grade teachers decided to retire and her replacement is brand new to the school. I am concerned about how the subjects will be handled by the new teacher. Since the school teaches an accelerated curriculum, new teachers have a learning curve about how to implement it best, and theres also a stated outline of how much they're supposed to cover every grade; there is so much extra going on this year just logistically, I worry about the actual content and delivery of the teaching. She should be getting guidance and supervision. She's supposed to be pursuing some kind of certification for teaching to the specialized needs of our students. I'm afraid what I'm seeing is our school just trying to fill their staffing needs because suddenly there seems to be a lot of last-minute turnover in teachers.
THEN there's my 5th grader, whose year is supposed to be more of a middle school feel and expectation. The kids who are 7th graders this year had a MUCH different experience with Language Arts because they had different teachers (and a group of students with different aptitudes). In 3rd and 4th they did a lot of writing and journals and practice of that nature. My son's class did not have that experience. His teacher seemed to have low expectations of the kids and they've done hardly any writing.
His 5th grade teacher THIS year for Language Arts is the SAME as the one he had last year... and the one they were supposed to have got reassigned to 4th grade, taking the place of THIS teacher.
The 5th grade parents are in an uproar.
Keep in mind, this teacher they're assigned to again: is a newly single mom of three young children. So while she was doing virtual learning last spring she was also managing her own children.
We all are concerned about her and how she's supposed to do this. And we're all concerned that our kids' educational needs are going to be well-attended to. The parents sent a list of concerns to the school director and I'm so torn about the whole thing.
I have my own guilt about us been so spread thin and having no money to offer much of anything for our kids. So much just feels like its slipping through the cracks, while I try to sort out my medical issues and needs, and be a kind parent in a time of tremendous stress.
Thank you for knowing that you can place some of this burden down here. This is a lot to carry and figure out. So many are going into this school year with more questions than answers and this is on top of money and health and logistics and well, just trying to be a good steady present parent to our kids. I would love to offer listening time via Zoom soon - in the next week or so. I know you are familiar with it. The idea is that we can come to clearer solutions, our own solutions when we release/offload some of our fears, hurt, anxiety to another. Through listening time we lessen our feelings of isolation and we can gain clarity and lighten our load when we are listened to by someone who is intentionally there to hold that space open for you. I would love to offer that. For now, hang in there. Rest rest rest, you have a lot to cope with. Your boys are marvelous, your love is evident, they can rest in your love, even when things at school are off kilter. More soon. xoxo