Taking the Long View
What do you value and admire in other adults? I value adults who are interested and engaged in the world around them, who value diversity, who think outside the box and question the status quo, who are creative, who are kind and gentle, who take seriously our responsibility to the earth and its resources, who are motivated, who take good care of themselves and nurture healthy relationships.
Naturally, these are also the traits that I hope my children will one day embody as an adult. We hear it all the time - children grow up in the blink of an eye. My oldest is 9, I can feel that these days. There is also a saying that the days are long but the years are short. I feel that too. In the midst of our day in and day out parenting, I find that it is so easy to lose the long term vision I have for my children. I mean, it happens all the time. I get caught in the busy mindset. You know what I mean? Picture this: 3 children talking to me at the same time while I am cooking a meal while also holding 100 things in my brain - emails I need to respond to, summer camps I need to explore, a grocery list I need to make and on and on. It never stops. So this is a reminder to make it stop long enough to take the long view. It's important, really important.
Are my daily parenting practices and priorities helping to create the adults I long for my children to become?
In other words, if I value an adult who thinks outside the box then I need to (at least sometimes) say yes to the outlandish creative ideas my children want to try. If I value adults who are self-motivated then I need to hold off on barking out orders and allow my children time for reflection on what they need to be doing and then give them the chance to self-motivate. If I admire adults who challenge conventional thinking then do I really need to worry each time they do things differently than we suggested or than other kids may do?
It's so easy to lose sight of our long term goals for our children in the midst of our daily and weekly parenting lives.
No matter where you are in your parenting journey - whether you are reading this while your newborn is asleep on your chest or while your teenager is at work, we can all operate from this perspective. We can engage with our child in the here and now while also taking the long view for them. How does this look on a daily basis?
It's noticing that one of my sons, currently in a picky eating stage, is actually enjoying what I served him for dinner but is also being a total goofball at the table. I value his sense of humor and his ability to create happiness for himself and not look for it outside of himself. Manners will come - I am just glad he is eating well and that he is happy. There is no one else around but us, so let him laugh and not act appropriately for a little while (thanks to my man Scott for helping me with this one).
It's not feeling like having our entire family room turned into a fort that will take us an hour to clean up later when I know everyone will be tired but instead allowing it anyway because I value creativity and experimental play. I can just clearly and gently let them know at the beginning that we will either need to clean up before dinner or shift where they are building so that we can get through the room. They happily oblige and the creative play isn't stifled.
It's seeing that my 7 year old is loving his time running around outside and climbing trees and allowing that to go on longer then planned by skipping the bath. I am valuing his love of nature, his engagement in the world around him, his unstructured independent play rather than him being perfectly clean today.
It is choosing to be a low tech family with the long term goal/hope of long attention spans, more time/interest in the outside world and more time for engagement in a variety of hobbies. I also value (even though it can set me on edge at times) when a certain child of mine says 'I'm bored'. My stock phrase for when I hear that "Your next great idea is 5 minutes away!" I value their ability to come up with ways to engage themselves outside of technology.
It's noticing that my four year old daughter prefers strongly to choose her own clothes each day. So she's wearing a pink and purple striped dress with red and gray striped pajama bottoms and yes she knows her shoes are on the wrong feet. My short term goals are for her to feel comfortable and able to run and climb and play easily. She always dresses for those goals. Long view? It's showing her that I don't worry what others think, I do not demand conformity, that her opinion matters and that she is in charge of her own body. When she is a teenager, I will be grateful if this translates into her feeling comfortable with who she is and what she looks like and not buckling to peer pressure. She will surely know that I value her just the way she is.
It is modeling kindness and gentleness to all those around me. My kids may not always absorb what I say, but they absorb what they see me do. If someone is rude to me, I am not rude back. If one of my children raises his voice, I try to come in closer and quieter to respond. It is reminding them that if someone hits, we don't have to hit back, we can stand up for ourselves and ask for help and say clearly, do not hit me. And that this is actually more powerful than hitting back. It is teaching the art of de-escalation instead of escalation (while standing up for yourself and keeping your values intact).
It is saying yes to my four year olds desire to finger paint while I am making breakfast. Completely inconvenient but I highly value creativity and her ability to entertain herself.
It is making books a priority in our days (I value adults who are well read, who have an attention span for reading, who are curious and who value a variety of backgrounds and opinions).
It is trying to consistently take really good care of myself and supporting my children to make healthy choices. I want them to truly and deeply take care of themselves. If we are feeling run down, it is saying no to the play date. If they have been too busy with activities, it is having a quieter day at home. If we have had birthday cake earlier in the day, it is balancing it out with a healthy dinner. If we've been sick, it is taking the time to get better and not rushing back into a full schedule. If we have a lot of energy, it's putting it in positive directions - park time, gardening, biking.
The list can go on and on as you can see. A lot of it comes down to saying yes to things that may seem inconvenient at the time because instead we value the long view. For me, it's also carving out time to think about what matters and what doesn't so I can go into the next day considering the longer view. Parents have too much on their plates. We need time to think clearly so we can move forward with intention. I know this is critical for me. Because don't we all want to be able to look back and say yes, we took the time and effort to cultivate the traits we value so highly?
Tell me, do you feel like it is easy to lose sight of the long view? The long view is certainly another mantra I need to tape to my refrigerator. I'll put it right next to Put the Relationship First. What traits do you value in adults that you hope to nurture in your children? I’m here. Comment below.